I stopped writing because I was sick of myself
tired of the negative me
wishing myself away.
I let those voices get the best of me,
those saying I have nothing but darkness to offer,
that people are tired of me,
that I will only end up staying where I am,
in my comfortable anxious box,
not allowing the world in.
But that is not true.
Well, some people may get tired of me,
I do not know.
But I was afraid that by writing about my anxiety and depression
I was somehow letting myself become identified by it alone
and would never move beyond it.
Well where did it get me,
listening to this judgmental voice?
In a dark place
with tape over my mouth
Prayers a groan of the spirit.
Somewhere along the way
I have let the armour of God fall off of me.
I began holding His sword,
the words of life,
with the wrong end,
using His words
Seeing only how short I fall
and never being able to rest in His love,
It is still a struggle
and one that brings confusion to me.
Because I compare.
I compare with people around me,
I compare myself to the word of God,
and the contrast is sharp.
Because I am broken.
Anxiety and Depression
are a reality for me.
But when I write,
I put what is dark into the light
and keep praying and seeking
and soul deep transformation
so that through this journey
He can shape me
piece by sometimes painful piece
into a Woman who is surrendered to Him
who fully loves, trusts and serves Him.
When I try to wrestle with my anxiety and depression
with only the dark voices leading me to do better,
I cast myself into a self made pit
and curl up
away from people who are brighter and stronger than I am.
those who say yes or step up when needed.
They love God
and serve others with joy.
I admire and envy their energy and their tenacity
knowing many have experienced greater suffering than I.
I push myself away,
because I fear I am being selfish,
and not loving by saying no.
I fear I am using anxiety and depression as an excuse.
That is what the dark voice says.
It is crafty and cunning
and sneaks in there.
I will seek God’s direction when faced with a decision
to do something that I know will challenge me mentally and emotionally
and when I hear or feel His leading
in one way or the other,
there is a process.
I will feel God’s peace,
a sense of strength
Almost as if He braces my very back bone
as he sends me in that direction.
But as soon as I begin to take the step forward,
that is when the voice enters.
If I am making a decision others will not understand
or will not like,
I am being selfish.
I am not loving.
The words of condemnation come softly pouring down
until I am muddled again and confused.
This is where relationship with Christ
has to meet with reading the word of God.
It is not enough to just read the bible,
nor would it be enough to hold a sword
without proper training.
I can know the basics of what I am supposed to do
but that does not mean I can do it all.
Or that I should do it all.
holding a sword alone
would not enable me to fight an enemy.
In order to do any of it,
I need HIM.
I need His words of love and affirmation seared on my heart
my soul and my brain.
A foundational stance,
my feet secure,
my hands gripping the sword hilt.
I need His guidance,
that little or big nudge
to go in a direction.
The training to deflect blows
and the direction to give them.
I understand that
not everyone needs this type of
And there are times I know it is ok if I make a decision without it.
But for many decisions in my life
because i walk a fine line of shaky mental health
I need it.
Not all teaching is going to benefit me.
Not all scripture is going to encourage me all the time.
slowly destroy me and my spirit.
I want to be liked.
But on a deeper level,
I do not want to be seen as lacking.
And yet I see myself as lacking every day I wake up.
I do not have a job.
It would be so anxiety inducing
I am not able to handle it at this point.
Some days it is like I have cotton filling my head
and it is hard to do basic things.
And then there are the times
I fear sharing my struggles
especially with Christians
because i will be met with
“Faith will beat all” or
“God promises to give you His strength” speech
while intentioned to be good and motivating
is akin to saying
“You are lacking in faith and knowledge of the word of God.”
You are lacking
You are not enough.
It joins the dark voice in an oppressive chorus
until I am truly curled up like a dog
in a dark pit,
welcoming the rain that is slinging mud and water on top of me
covering me up
so that no eyes can see my misery.
There is truth in the words.
That is why it hurts.
And satan, the enemy of our souls
and his cohorts,
know this and they know how to wield it.
The truth is God does give strength.
And faith gives life and freedom.
God does indeed help us
and he WANTS to help us to really live and love.
But I can not live someone else’s faith walk
or live upon their understanding and heart knowledge
or their relationship with God.
What may be slow and broken to them
is a work of ongoing healing for God.
When I do not let these voices in,
I am at peace.
Even when faced with difficult decisions and tasks,
even faced with anxiety and fatigue,
if I walk with God and am able to hold the dark voices,
and perceived or not perceived notions of others
then I find strength, peace and life.
But for the Anxious One to do this alone,
it is impossible.
Because we are weak.
We not only need to be constantly talking to God
and listening to Him,
seeking to rest in Him,
but we need people in our lives who understand
and can built us up in truth
and help us to fight the dark voices.
Oh if only I can truly
wake every morning
and trust every second of the day
that there indeed is
“NO condemnation for those who
belong to Christ Jesus,
because through Christ Jesus the law
of the Spirit who gives life
has set you free
from the law of sin and death” (Romans 8:1-2)
So the dark voice that whispers
we are lacking
we are not enough
we are not faithful
we are not loving
and anything else that reeks of darkness,
condemnation and oppresses the spirit,
ALL of that is death
and it is of the enemy.
The truth is
we are all lacking.
But we are not without hope.
And as long as we keep seeking our God’s presence
through reading His word
and spending time with Him,
then He will keep shaping us
and transforming us.
We are not a disappointment to Him.
We are His beloved workmanship,
His own creation
He does desire and will
for us to be free.
That is why He sent Jesus to die for us,
that is why He sent the Holy Spirit down
so He, God of all creation,
can live in us
and help us.
But it is a process.
And each person from Adam to the last,
will have a different story,
a different timeline.
So let us be patient
and let us trust
that through it all,
though the process be slow
The Potter’s hands are to be trusted.
And His voice
is gentle and humble in heart.
we will find rest for our souls.